All the time. Mark TwainLaziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Stephen ColbertThere’s an old saying about those who forget history. … You have to go out there and figure out what you can do and can’t do. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants?

I don’t take orders. Fiction has to make sense.” “Be careful about reading health books. James ThurberHumor is a serious thing. Get good at it. See more ideas about Funny quotes, Funniest quotes ever, Funny.

It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. His best 5k is 17 minutes 41 seconds and his best marathon (42k) is in 3 hours 33 minutes 11 seconds (with 1800 meters of elevation gain).Other notable interests of Maxime are health (mental and physical), meditation, nutrition, bananas, human potential, education, learning, productivity and minimalism.We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. She was so excited when I got home and told her. He wanted the others to share the funniest things their mothers ever said, and the end result of the game was worth sharing here. Stephen Colbert Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. I hope it will last. Ellen DeGeneres Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. Zach Galifianakis I have a lot of growing up to do. I definitely want to contribute to that. Mark TwainIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Jimmy FallonThank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. Stephen ColbertCynics always say no. Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. Jimmy FallonI just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. 4 min It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school. Joan Rivers Never go to bed mad. Subscribe Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. Tina FeyWhat turning forty means to me? Rodney DangerfieldMarriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. Steven WrightI live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. Bill MurrayThere’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? George CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” “You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. Life is long.

Louis C.K.Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Robin Williams, Patch AdamsNo matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. Ellen DeGeneresEmbrace who you are. Ellen DeGeneresI think we need more love in the world. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?

Die with dignity. I was pretty religious. 17+ best ideas about Hilarious Meaning on Pinterest | Meaning of hilarious, Meaning of cute and Define sillyDiscovered by Mic. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Stephen ColbertContraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. Read through these funny quotes and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. I mean, I’m a mom.A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Franz KafkaDo you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. ThibautThere cannot be a crisis next week. Friedrich NietzscheIf people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done. I’ve got the page numbers done. But so is thunder and lightning.” “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” “Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women.

Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Ellen DeGeneresLife is short. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Jack BennyFinally my winter fat is done. Ricky GervaisMy greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. John Mason BrownWhy do men like intelligent women? Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Dr. SeussWhen people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.

Lily TomlinDon’t be so humble – you are not that great. Robin WilliamsI always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself. Gore VidalMy esteem in this country has gone up substantially. Fran LebowitzMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. George Burns If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

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